Get your hot wings and domestic beer ready, pick up some overpriced commemorative paper plates and napkins while you’re at it, because the Super Bowl XLVII is right around the corner and you’re going to need something to preoccupy you once the game starts and you realize that you aren’t excited about it at all.
Over the past decade, the Super Bowl has devolved into a two-week block of hype scrutinizing everything but the game itself, and by the time those two weeks are over, the actual game of football is an afterthought. The media has been tremendously successful in making the Super Bowl suck.
And Super Bowl XLVII, which, according to Google, will be played between the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens, is shaping up to be sucktacular.
1) The Brother vs Brother “Storyline” Is Contrived and Meaningless
For the unaware, Ravens Head Coach John Harbaugh and 49ers Head Coach Jim Harbaugh are brothers. What’s that? Oh, everyone is aware of that because that’s all any news outlet has spoken of since the Monday after championship weekend?
The extensive publicity given to the brother vs brother coaching matchup leading up to Super Bowl XLVII would lead a person to believe that Jim and John Harbaugh were the first two brothers to ever end up in the same profession, or that the Harbaughs were long-lost brothers who were reuniting for the first time since childhood. In fact, there is nothing exciting or meaningful that this “storyline” will contribute to this game.
When the facts are broken down, there is nothing that makes this match-up more interesting than any ordinary coaching match-up Jim and John Harbaugh get along, and by all accounts, the Harbaugh family is very close.
The brothers aren’t old rivals, and there is next to no chance that they will come in physical contact with one another during the course of the game (though the Vegas odds on that might be interesting). If Jim Harbaugh was the 49ers Quarterback and John Harbaugh was the Ravens middle linebacker, this might be interesting. But they’re not, and it isn’t.
2) Who is Worth Rooting for?
Obviously, this doesn’t apply to the members of the fantasies of either team, but if you’re not from Baltimore or San Fran, there’s not really much to get behind on either squad. Joe Flacco, the quarterback for the Ravens, is bland to the point of blending in with the grass, and Colin Kaepernick, quarterback for the 49ers, could be described as a PG-13 version of Flacco.
Both defenses are among the best in the league, but neither has a player that either team can get behind (this does include Ray Lewis, who will be retiring from football after this game, and was also once implicated in a murder).
The two biggest feel good stories among the players are Michael Oher (of The Blind Side fame, but don’t ask him about it) and guy everyone seems to love Vernon Davis, but neither are in the most visible position on the field. These aren’t bad teams, nor are they unlikable teams, but neither team has that x-factor that forces people to get behind them.
3) Beyonce is the Halftime Show. No, really.
If a group of 100 strangers are asked “what song do you most associate with professional football?” exactly zero of the answers will be “Single Ladies.” But, because the NFL hates its fans and has an insufferable need to create a halftime spectacle that lasts twice as long as halftime should last, the world will stop sometime during the 8 o’clock hour so Sasha Fierce can take the stage and do whatever it is she does for 20 minutes.
While a welcome alternative to what could have been (LMAFO, One Direction, and Justin Bieber all come to mind as alternate acts), Beyonce also is likely to suffer the same pitfall that the majority of Super Bowl halftime shows have- an adherence to showmanship that ignores musicianship completely.
Remember Madonna last year? What was that? There are scores of talented musicians- like The Black Keys- who could headline the Super Bowl. But rather than take the “risk” on a musician, the NFL makes the safe choice, and chooses what ultimately becomes a Las Vegas act. Using the Super Bowl XLVII Halftime show to appeal to the lowest common denominator is almost sad. But mostly, its boring.
4) Commercials Are Dumb
Everyone knows one moon-faced idiot, probably at their office, who genuinely believes that the commercials are the best part of the Super Bowl. They’ll likely spend the majority of Monday morning dissecting their favorite spots.
This year, 30 seconds of ad time during the Super Bowl will cost nearly $4 million. And while the ads may be entertaining, more often than not they’re awful commercials.
A good commercial should tell the viewer something about the product , and entice them to purchase it. And, as… appealing as Kate Upton may be, she doesn’t make me want to buy a Mercedes.
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5) Was This Really the Matchup Everyone Was Hoping to See in Super Bowl XLVII?
Three weeks ago, wasn’t everyone talking about a Manning/Brady Super Bowl? Two weeks ago, weren’t any other combination of teams preferable to this? Perhaps 49ers/Ravens was the logical pick, but looking at things honestly nobody outside of San Francisco and Baltimore seem all that thrilled about this.
Will the game itself have some exciting moments? Probably. Could it go down as one of greatest games in Super Bowl history? Sure. But don’t put money on it.